For Male Victims of Domestic Abuse

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

Written by a former client who feels it is important to talk about this issue that is not oftentimes addressed…

 

 

Finding the right place to start is hard, whether it is telling your story or figuring out you’re in an abusive relationship. 

I first need to say that both men and women can be victims of domestic abuse.  Our society focuses on supporting female victims, and with very good reason.  However, we also need to support male victims.  This is not a matter of shifting focus, rather expanding the focus, or as the “professional negotiator” in me would say, we need to “expand the pie”.

Our society also expects the “strong and stoic” man, or perhaps a more appropriate term for what we expect from men is “stolid”, which means to show little emotion (with the notable exception of anger).  For generations, men have suffered alone, afraid to admit they might be a victim of anything, much less domestic abuse, because that would make them appear weak and vulnerable.  I experienced this for years; every time I would get the courage to talk about the way my wife treated me with another guy, I was told that I was being “too sensitive”, or that “all marriages have struggles”.  These are words that silence men and empower abusers.  The sad reality is that this fear and isolation makes men more vulnerable to abuse, as it gives an abuser the perfect target: someone who will never seek help.

A key feature of emotional abuse is isolating the victim and making them reliant only on the abuser.  It doesn’t happen overnight, or even over a month, but after years of slowly breaking down the victims self-esteem and self-worth, the abuser gains ultimate power and control.  The victim becomes convinced that they are the problem in the relationship, and that they are lucky the abuser will tolerate and stay with them.  I can attest to how devastating this becomes: I was constantly told I could not do anything right, but when I changed my behavior, that wasn’t right either.  No matter how much I adapted to meet her ever-changing standards, I was never good enough, smart enough, competent enough.  I was never enough.  The scary part is that I grew to believe it.  This form of abuse will leave deep emotional scars that will not immediately heal after leaving an abuser.  It can take years, even decades, to recover from such insidious abuse.

It is very important to point out that abuse is NEVER THE FAULT OF THE VICTIM (yes, that was meant to be loud).  Many people that do not understand the dynamics of abuse try to make sense of the situation by questioning why the victim would tolerate such behavior.  This is called victim blaming, which only serves to further shame and silence a victim.  If you ever come across a victim of abuse, never ask a question that starts with the word “why” (i.e. “why didn’t you leave sooner?”; “why did you stay for so many years?”; “why did you have a kid with your abuser?”; “why didn’t you call the police?”).  I have experienced this personally from my manager, my former manager, and even a judge in district court.  Everywhere you go, people have so bought into this idea of the “stoic man”, that they refuse to accept that men can be victims as well.

To compound the issue, whether in front of a judge or in the privacy of your home, the abuser loves to cry, to sob, to choke down tears (and it’s not only female abusers that cry to manipulate).  This is just another tactic in the abuser playbook.  They want you to think that they are the victim, that you are the problem.  They want everyone to think that they are a victim and you are the problem.  The truth is, an actual victim will not cry in front of their abuser, the real victim has learned to hide their emotions from the abuser, because they know that to an abuser, tears equal weakness.  A victim has been conditioned to give as little emotional ammunition to an abuser as possible.

If you have ever thought you were in an abusive relationship, even if your partner has never touched you, please seek help from a domestic violence-trained therapist or advocate.  Start documenting the abuse in real time.  Tell the nurse or doctor at your next office visit that you think you are being abused.  I once thought I was alone and don’t want others to make the same assumption I did as I found there are great resources out there that can turn victims into survivors.

Just Keep Following the Plan

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

 

I am not a natural planner.  In fact, I strive to be flexible in general in order to leave options open.  Because I’m also an anxious person though, this can sometimes lead to a bit of a mental and emotional conflict.  For the past several months, I have been working with a client who loves to plan.  She thrives on knowing what she will do next and what to expect.  As an anxiety sufferer herself though, she tends to question her decisions relentlessly.  She will make a plan for child care, as an example, and then a couple days later be wracked with fear that it’s not the right choice.  Second guessing herself takes away her power and makes her feel incapable of managing her life.  Through some introspection on her part, and some encouragement on my part, we have found a way forward for her that has honestly been helpful for me in my personal life as well!

Those who suffer from anxiety know that typically, there are times when we are able to see things with clear eyes and a calm mind.  Depending on how much anxiety you experience, these moments may only last for seconds to a few minutes, but they are usually there.  What my client has found, is that in these moments of calm awareness, if she can look at a situation as a whole and make a plan during that time, all she has to do from that point on is follow it.  Using the child care example, she decided a while back after thinking through all of her options and looking at the factors involved, that she would start her baby in full time daycare at 2 months old.  She felt some guilt even while making the decision but had a deep sense of knowing that it was the right choice for her family. 

As the days got closer to her daughter starting daycare, she felt very anxious and questioned her decision often.  I could sense that her hesitation to follow through on the plan was based on what she feared she “should” be doing according to specific childrearing rhetoric she has been exposed to most of her life, and not actual worries about the impact on her family.  She knew this was the best choice for all of them.  It was at this time she said, “I need to just follow the plan”.  

This simple sentence came with such a visible sense of relief, it was palpable.  We talked through the factors that caused her to come up with this plan and how sure she felt about it at the time.  We talked through the role of anxiety in her questioning it now.  Then we made the decision that unless a new piece of information comes to light to warrant a different choice be considered, she will simply follow the plan and see it through.  This has resulted in her learning to trust herself and her ability to make good decisions in her life.  She is also realizing that sometimes, no matter how prepared she is and how much she plans, anxiety will just be there.  Gently reminding herself that she is doing her best and will not allow her anxiety to make decisions for her has helped a great deal.

Less Resolution and More Expansiveness

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

 

New Year’s Day is almost here and with it comes the question of resolutions… Should you make them? What would they look like? This got me thinking about the definition of a resolution: “a firm decision to do or not to do something”.  Yikes! So what happens when you change your mind in a couple months and decide that 3 instead of 4 days at the gym is enough? You’ll be going back on your “firm decision” and probably feeling like a failure. That’s the problem with New Year’s resolutions – the intention is good but the method is flawed. It’s wonderful to want to make healthy changes in your life but oftentimes, you’re inadvertently setting yourself up for disaster by placing unrealistic expectations on yourself.

What if we shifted our focus to larger, more expansive goals? So, instead of saying “I’m going to workout 4 days a week”, maybe say, “I’m going to get healthier this year”. Then, because you’re still going to need some guidance on how to achieve that goal, break it down into smaller parts. Using this example, you could strive for simply making time in your schedule for weekly physical activity, mindfulness, reflection, etc. That way, you have protected time available to focus on yourself and your health while also not forcing a trip to the gym if you just “can’t” one day. Instead, you could do a 30 minute guided meditation or engage in meal planning or journal – all things that positively benefit your health! You have committed to prioritizing something you value, physical health, with the understanding that in practice, it may look a bit different week to week.

So, this year, let’s try a mental shift from resolutions to expanding the idea of what living a better life means. That feels more sustainable, lasting, and meaningful than pushing ourselves to achieve a “firm decision” we’ve made that might not make sense ongoing. Allowing ourselves to shift focus and set new or different intentions is important – developing the ability to be flexible is a life skill that will only benefit us in every other areas of our lives as well. 

Take good care in the new year!! Wishing you health, happiness, and peace of mind as we head into 2019.

Continue reading “Less Resolution and More Expansiveness” →

When It’s Hard to Feel Thankful

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

 

 

The holidays are upon us but not everyone is feeling festive.  For many people, the holidays are a time for remembering the family you aren’t speaking to, finding yourself without a romantic partner for yet another year, or realizing you don’t have the money you were hoping to have for gifts or travel.  The amount of pressure on people to be happy and joyful can feel overwhelming and just one more thing to “fail” at.  From the music reminding us that being home for the holidays is the most important thing in the world, to the commercials telling us that if we don’t buy our children every latest toy and gadget, Christmas morning will be a letdown, it’s easy to resent this time of year and the jolly people around you.  So, what to do?

I often talk with clients about the idea of self-care being part of their daily routine as it builds resiliency, helps maintain consistent moods, and reminds us to value ourselves.  This time of year in particular though, it is even more crucial. Maybe you’re spending Thanksgiving or Hanukkah alone this year – that could easily lead to feelings of worthlessness, isolation, or sadness.  What about instead of indulging too much in those feelings, you acknowledge them, then remember that there are benefits to enjoy such as time to yourself for relaxation and activities you value?  Also, reflecting upon how you’d like the holiday to look next year and steps you can take to create that.  Maybe you are alone this year because you’ve been doing difficult work on yourself and have chosen to set personal boundaries and not have toxic relatives in your life anymore.  Celebrate that!  You now have the freedom to make your own traditions and spend the holiday how you’d like, without worrying about others’ unhealthy expectations.

Another difficult part of the holiday season can be remembering past Thanksgivings, Christmases, etc when you had loved ones in your life who have now passed.  Even if you’re coping well in your daily life, feelings of grief can rear their ugly head this time of year.  It may not feel worth celebrating without this important person in your life.  What if you created a place for them in your day?  Maybe create a special ornament in their honor and place it on your Christmas tree as a token of remembrance.  Or maybe light a special candle for them through Hanukkah.  However you celebrate, find a way to incorporate this person into the festivities.  Nostalgia is a powerful feeling when mixed with loss and if we’re not careful to acknowledge it, we could become depressed this time of year.

There are many reasons why it could feel difficult to get into the holiday spirit and feel thankful, but being kind to oneself and not judging the struggle is the important thing.  After all, isn’t expressing gratitude to ourselves for our strength and ability to make it through another year one of the best gifts of all?

A Good Half of Living is Resilience

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

 

“A good half of living is resilience.”  I was wandering down the street glancing into shops when this quote, pictured above, in a shop window stopped me in my tracks.  As a therapist, I know the importance of resilience when recovering from traumatic experiences.  It is vital to have things like coping strategies to use in order to move on.  What if we broadened the idea of “resilient living” into everyday life though, not just when focusing on trauma recovery?  For many years, I specifically did domestic violence and sexual assault counseling.  Every client I worked with was either currently being abused or had previously been abused in some way.  The bulk of our sessions together would focus on rebuilding a sense of self-worth, understanding how to manage triggers, learning to trust others again, etc.  All of these tasks centered around resiliency with an outlook towards the future. 

Now, although I still do some trauma recovery work, I have shifted to working with clients who have concerns such as boundary setting, coping with life transitions, developing healthy relationships, managing anxiety, etc.  When I saw this sign in the shop widow, it struck me that every single person I have worked with has one thing in common: the need to build resiliency into their daily lives.  Bad things will inevitably happen to all of us.  Life will throw us unexpected curve balls, teach us painful lessons, and break our hearts.  There is no avoiding that.  I think knowing we lack control over our existence is scary for a lot of people as we so desperately want to avoid suffering and be prepared for what’s coming.  What this quote got me thinking about is the idea that building up our resiliency reserves can actually give us a sense of control when negative things happen because we’ll be better equipped to cope.  The time to focus on resiliency is now, before crisis hits and you’re overwhelmed.  Here are three ways you can create and foster resiliency in your everyday life:

  1. Make a list of at least 5 things that you know comfort you and lift your spirits. Many times, when life goes wrong, we easily forget simple things we can do that fill us up, bring joy, and keep us going.  Write these ideas down and post them somewhere like your bathroom mirror or refrigerator so they are easily accessible when needed.  Also, if possible, practice these things on a regular basis so they become self-care habits.
  2. Remember times when you were resilient in the past. You didn’t get into the college you really wanted but you survived!  Your first romantic relationship ended and it felt like life was over but you survived!  Your boss gave you really difficult feedback at work and although it stung, you survived!  There are countless examples of resilience to be found in your life and every single time you made it through and came out the other end (probably stronger!).  Also, think back on what worked then to get you through and remember that just how things got bad, they also got good again.
  3. Address issues such as anxiety and depression before they become compounded by other life circumstances and struggles. Most people who start therapy do so when they are in some sort of crisis instead of as a preventative measure.  If you feel stable right now, it will feel easier to handle other challenges that come your way.  Even if therapy doesn’t feel right for you, addressing mental health struggles by finding support in online groups, self-help books, listening to podcasts, etc is extremely valuable.

Give resiliency some of your attention and be intentional about building it into your life…  You will appreciate having the reserve ready for when you need it!

 

When Childhood Neglect Makes Healthy Relationships Feel Impossible

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

 

Experiences of childhood neglect result in many difficulties for an adult – most profoundly when it comes to relationships. The main struggle is the inability to be vulnerable and trust that another person will meet ones emotional needs. This plays out in intimate relationships when someone wants to get close to a person who has been neglected but due to fear of abandonment (either emotional or physical), that person may reject gestures of care and support. In many cases, neglectful behavior by a parent is inconsistent which makes it even harder for a person to trust a friend or partner. They don’t know what to expect and even though someone seems trustworthy, there is fear that they could disappear or reject them at any time. Being vulnerable can feel almost impossible for someone who was neglected in childhood. The risk of getting hurt is just too great.

It can be hard for adults who were neglected in childhood to connect with others and build healthy relationships due to deep seated fears that they aren’t worthy of love. Because they were not properly cared for in the formative years, they believe there is something inherently wrong with them. This leads to feelings of shame (“I am bad”) and such problems as substance abuse, risky sexual behaviors, etc may arise as the person tries to self-soothe.  The tendency to be involved in domestic violence relationships is also common since the person believes they deserve to be punished and cannot imagine how to handle receiving love from another.

Treatment for neglect first involves building a solid, trusting relationship with the therapist in which boundaries are put in place and the therapist models what a nurturing, dependable relationship looks like. Coping strategies are developed such as distress tolerance skills so the person is able to regulate their emotions when anxiety around abandonment arises. Cognitive behavioral therapy is useful in changing a person’s schema around worth and lovability.

People with childhood neglect histories are actually not more likely than others to neglect their own children. In fact, I have seen the opposite – they can oftentimes be very protective and involved parents because they remember how it felt to be abandoned and are concerned with meeting their own children’s needs. In many cases though, people who are neglected may be afraid to have their own children as they feel they lack the skills necessary to properly care for them.

Neglect is similar to abuse in that is has damaging effects on the emotional and physical well-being of the child into adulthood. It can sometimes have even more harmful consequences such as failure to thrive or cognitive impairments if the neglect is extreme. Most therapists consider neglect to be a form of abuse but because it can go unnoticed due to the lack of obvious physical signs, many children suffer in silence and do not receive the help they need.  Through awareness of what could be causing one’s relationship difficulties and the effective treatment options available, people with neglect histories will hopefully be able to receive the support they deserve in order to thrive.  

 

“It’s Not Your Fault”

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

 

Earlier this month, I was getting a facial (something I have never done before but now cannot wait to do again – hello smooth skin!) and as we were starting, the esthetician mentioned that my long hair needed to be swept away from my face and neck and so she went looking for something to tie it back with.  I immediately said, “I’m so sorry, I obviously should have brought a hair tie, I didn’t even think of it!” and then, reassuringly, she responded with, “It’s okay, it’s not your fault.”  These four words – it’s not your fault – had an instant calming effect and took away all shame that I was feeling for not being prepared to have the facial done.  I recognize that this is such a small, pretty insignificant example but grace is grace and letting me off the hook that I immediately placed myself on made me feel normal.  All the automatic thoughts I had of, “What am I even doing here – I can’t even prepare the right way for this service”, “I’m so embarrassed – she must think I’m an idiot”, and “I’m totally inconveniencing her” just melted away.  As a therapist who specializes in trauma, I spent much of the facial thinking about how those four words are so rarely used, especially when needed the most.  We live in a culture of victim-blaming and shaming which results in people, mostly women, walking around always feeling like they’re doing something wrong or causing their own pain.  I hope more of us can bestow grace on others by speaking the words, “It’s not your fault”, whenever we see someone in distress over a perceived wrongdoing.  It’s exactly how we’d like to be treated, right?

Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship Takes Time

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

As a therapist, I often refer to the six stages of change originally developed by Prochaska and DiClemente in 1983 when helping clients through a transition.  For most people, it can feel overwhelming to try and make changes in one’s life.  There is usually a lack of understanding of why it takes so long to create lasting change and why it’s so easy to fall back into old habits.  Additionally, as a domestic violence specialist, I often get asked, “Why doesn’t she just leave?”.  I have worked with many clients who find leaving an abusive relationship to be extremely difficult.  I realized that using the stages of change as a framework to explain why this is could be helpful in building understanding. 

The first stage of change is precontemplation.  This occurs when a person is simply not acknowledging (or is in denial) that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.  They tend to defend their behavior and are unwilling to try something new.  A victim of domestic violence would deny that she is being hurt or that her partner is, in fact, an abuser.  She will likely make excuses for him, blame herself, or refuse to talk honestly about the relationship.  In this phase though, seeds can be planted and conversations can be started that present new ideas and information.  Victims in the precontemplation stage will oftentimes be introduced to a counselor, but it usually takes several more points of contact for them to connect in a meaningful or consistent way.

In the next stage, contemplation, people will start to become aware of the negative consequences of their behavior but are afraid of what it would take to make changes.  Trying something new is a risk and requires a great deal of time, energy, and resources.  When looking through a domestic violence lens, there are other costs such as retribution by the abuser, potential homelessness for the victim (and any children), loss of money, etc.  Although freedom could potentially be gained, the victim is also losing companionship, what she has considered to be “love”, etc. In this stage though, the victim will start weighing the pros and cons of leaving and possibly be open to help.  A sense of curiosity will hopefully be created here so the victim can start imaging a way out.

The third stage is preparation.  At this point, a commitment has been made to change one’s behavior and determination increases.  Depending on how complicated the situation is, this phase can last for days, weeks, or months.  Information gathering is still taking place and factors such as safety and mental health are being attended to.  The client will be open to seeking shelter or moving away from the abuser, and she may start to acknowledge all the abuse she’s endured, have realizations about the relationship, and understand for possibly the first time how she got to this place.  The challenge with the preparation phase is that if a person is pushed too hard here, they may retreat because it all feels too overwhelming. 

After successfully moving through the first three stages of change, a person is now ready to act.  The action stage is the shortest one but requires the most willpower.  The victim is feeling vulnerable and fearful that she is not making the right choices, especially if she is still being influenced by the abuser.  Her self-esteem is likely destroyed which makes taking action very difficult since she questions her judgment, intelligence, etc.  Even after receiving a lot of support and education, she will likely still be unsure if she’s making the right decisions and will experience a whole host of difficult emotions during this stage.  Additionally, if the abuser is particularly difficult to separate from, she could be forced to not take the actions she desires until the situation becomes safer.

The next stage, maintenance, is the one in which someone hopes to stay in permanently.  This occurs after action has been successfully taken and the person has avoided the temptation to return to old habits (in this case, an abusive partner).  It can be difficult to keep the momentum going and a great deal of energy is required to resist the urge to find comfort in what one has known for so long.  We hope that after leaving her abuser, the survivor will be able to remain in this phase forever, but people are not perfect, and a normal part of any change process includes the tendency to go back to what is familiar.

Our last stage, relapse, is oftentimes referred to as a “fall from grace”.  The person has done such a good job of moving through the previous five stages and making changes in her life, but motivation can run out when one becomes weary.  Or, the outcome is disappointing/not what was expected and as is human nature, we forget how bad something (or someone) was for us and we slip back into old habits.  For a victim of domestic violence, this usually means contacting the ex-abuser.  It is in this stage of change that people on the outside will oftentimes roll their eyes, place judgments on the victim, and wonder why she returned to such an awful person after all that work to leave.  Nostalgia and comfort are powerful forces though – and when you mix in genuine fear, it’s no surprise that a person is going to seek out the one they have so heavily depended on for so many years.  What we need to understand is that even though she may falter here, it does not mean that all is lost.  At this point, she has most likely developed tons of positive coping strategies, gathered useful information, and has a support network to fall back on.  These are things she didn’t have in the beginning and these are the things that will ultimately lead her back to the action stage where she will once again choose herself and her well-being over the abuser. 

With some understanding of what a normal change process looks like, we can develop patience with ourselves and others who are going through difficult transitions.  Most likely, we will eventually make it out the other end stronger and happier than ever.

Where do I even start?

Posted on by Amie Piekarz

So often I hear people say, “I’d love to go to therapy but I wouldn’t even know where to start!” My advice, as a therapist, is simple: just begin.

There’s no perfect way to tell your story – it’s complicated because you’re a real person who has lived for 20, 30, 40, etc years and has had a lot happen to make you who you are today. Starting anywhere you feel comfortable is perfectly fine. I often ask clients, “Do you know what you’d like to talk about or would you like me to ask you some questions to get going?” It’s common for people to show up and know they need help, but just not know exactly how to express their needs. It’s my job to guide you and give you a little direction. Oftentimes, there will be a “final straw” that brings someone to therapy such as a breakup, loss of job, or major fight with their significant other. In these cases, starting with what happened today and working backwards can feel helpful. If there is no “urgent need” though, maybe starting with how you’ve been feeling about life recently would give you a place to begin. In fact, starting counseling when you’re not in crisis can be wonderful because you have the mental space to start developing good coping strategies for when you do face difficulties.

Remembering that therapy (like most things in life!) is a process and not a race is important. Everything doesn’t need to come out in the first session. As counselors, we are also really good at picking out what’s important and asking you clarifying questions to assist us in getting the information we need to best help you so don’t worry about feeling scattered – we can put it all together.

I remember wanting to try out minimalism last year and just standing there, staring at all my stuff, wondering where to even start because there was so. much. After several weeks of doing nothing, I realized that I was no closer to my goal of getting rid of things I don’t need because I was paralyzed by fear of not starting the “right” way. Finally, I looked at the chaotic mess of books on my shelf and started making piles of what to keep and what to give away. I felt so accomplished after clearing those books away that it gave me the momentum I needed to move on to my closet and then the kitchen, etc. The moral of this story is that to get un-stuck, I just needed to begin somewhere, anywhere.

I would love to hear from you! And if you live in Massachusetts or abroad and are interested in beginning therapy, feel free to visit my site to see if we may be a good fit.